I have a question for all you moms and dads out there—no judgment at all, just an inquiry into your parenting style. I think, I know the answer, and it is – we all do it, to be frank. Most parents are desperate for some level of obedience from their kids. We expect their attention to our call. We hope for a faithful following of instructions, and we crave control over their irrational behavior. Suppose our kids heeded our every word, what a perfect life it would be. But sadly, this is not the case, which brings me back to my question. Do we bribe our kids to get them to behave well, obey our guidance, react promptly, and be responsible?
I’m the first one to admit that I am a bribe mom. You can call it a reward, gift, incentive, or encouragement. But the fact is that if it is offered before completing a task – it is a bribe. I tend to offer these when I don’t get my kid’s attention For example, when they take too long to finish their food, I will offer candy to those who finish up fast; I will grant additional TV time, if they tidy up quickly. Sometimes, I make it competitive. For example, whoever eats their food first gets to pick the program for TV time (once a day before bedtime). Other times, I will offer a surprise and then award them big hugs and kisses.
My bribes are minimal, innocent, and sometimes competitive. But if you search the internet for what experts have to say about these bribes, you will rarely see someone say it is a good idea. You will hear them say that you are setting up your kid to expect something in return for what they already must do, that you will leave your kids feeling entitled, you will teach bad behavior, and the list goes on. While I understand behavioral psychology and believe in research studies, I don’t resort to them for every parenting decision I make. No matter how hard you try to go bribe free, sometimes offering an incentive can get the job done better and faster, and you will resort to it. As a parent, we need to decide when we are overdoing something and when we need to stop.
If you are not torn by research studies and would prefer to incentivize your kids for certain things, it helps to be intentional about it. I’m here to offer you a few tips for when and how to do so. Below are some boundaries you can set when considering an incentive.
- A Requirement (something you expect no matter what): Good behavior should be a requirement: If you offer your child a reward for behaving well with his siblings or guests – he is not learning the value you want him to gain in this life lesson, which is to be a good person. Instead, it would help if you disciplined the bad behavior. (Verbally acknowledging good behavior is not a bribe, and you should use it freely to your will to encourage your child. )
- A Necessity (something your child needs to do as there is no way out of it): Children have to complete schoolwork, whether from homeschool or attending school. There is no way around it. By rewarding them, they can lose focus on the why. Instead, it should be built into their routine. This will help them understand the flow of their day. If they don’t do schoolwork, they cannot get to the next activity of the day. Their reward in itself is the thing they look forward to after completing their homework. If your child worked hard and received a good grade, you can reward it, which is not considered a bribe.
- A Habit Maker (something that causes your child to develop a habit): Parenting is a learning journey. Don’t be afraid to change the way you deal with your children. If you find that offering a bribe has created a vicious cycle of entitlement, cut the bribe and focus on the consequences. Make sure to talk to your child about the change in expectation and the expected outcomes.
We can use so many other parenting tactics to solicit better responses from our children, and I will discuss them in a future blog. But for now, if you are a briber, don’t allow others to determine what works best for you and your child. Instead, take time to be intentional about it, and communicate your intent with your child so that they do not misplace their understanding of your actions.
I hope this post was useful to you. If so, like, share, and leave a comment. I would love to hear of your parenting tactics too.
