I never imagined I would pause my career to pursue a full-time stay-at-home mom life. It has been over four years since I quit my job, and I cannot decide if returning to work is right for me. It is the struggle that most women who gave up careers have at some point in their paused state. It comes from a preconceived notion of the worth and value we offer at home. Society makes us believe meaningful time comes from working in a paid setting. I have often been asked about my return to work plans because quitting a perfect career opportunity for unpaid time at home doesn’t feel normal to most people.
"Society makes us believe meaningful time comes from working in a paid setting."
Preconceived notions
I grew up in the South of India, and there was predominant thinking that educated women needed to work to be self-sufficient and define their self-worth. It was also a matter of societal reputation for the family to maintain a sense of success from raising educated children who do well in their careers. In India, staying at home meant that you were choosing to be a housewife and not a stay-at-home mom. The definition of pausing a career for the family had a different meaning and understanding.
Despite cultural influences in India, the West also adopts such portrayals of what it means to have a full, meaningful, and successful life. Our identity is embedded in what we DO, more than who we ARE. When we meet someone, they want to know what we do, as in our work designation.
The pursuit of happiness
I recently had two kids return to school after homeschooling them, but I kept my youngest home full-time. Since then, people have assumed that my time is freed up and want to know what I do in my ‘free time.’ The fact is that there is so much to do that I can’t find time for my own pursuits.
I came across a study published by Pew Research in 2014 that offers some insight and statistics on how a stay-at-home mom spends her time in broad buckets such as child care, housework, leisure, and sleep. It is a comparative study to working moms, and while I will not go into it here, a lot has changed since then. Education is an essential aspect of child care that needs to be addressed in this broad bucket. So many SAHMs are homeschool parents, too, which is a big undertaking. In 2018, Pew shared another statistic that showed that 1 in 5 moms/dads were leaving the workforce to stay home for lots of good reasons. Despite this trend, many don’t understand it and cannot relate with it. Children are a big driving force for this movement and parents these days are more involved and intentional in raising their kids.
Many SAHMs, including me, try to spend time on unpaid work such as content creation, social media influencing, blogging, and creative pursuits such as sewing, painting, quilting, etc. This unpaid work is critical to a SAHM’s mental health, self-confidence, happiness, and self-worth, yet prioritized last. I firmly believe that we must use our skills and talent so we may also learn, grow, and develop mastery.
Most people get a reprieve from their work environment at the end of the day. It is not the case with stay-at-home moms. The workday continues until bedtime unless you are lucky enough to have a partner who picks up and gives you the much-needed space you need from the household chores and the kids. Needless to say, you have put in more than anyone has poured into your family, and it’s time to make space for the pursuit of happiness.
Your choice is all that matters.
While this post addresses the stay-at-home mom, I am not diminishing the purpose, fullness, and life of a working mom. I was a working mom before I chose this life, and maybe someday I may work again. But for now, I want to talk to the mom who chose family life over career and struggles with self-identity. I’m talking to the mom, who feels that she needs to explain her value and worth.
"Your unpaid work at home matters."
I’m here to tell you that the most important thing is that you are OK with your choice. You owe no explanation to anyone. That is it. Your unpaid work at home matters, so pursue what you love, and don’t be afraid to have dreams that don’t involve returning to work. Feel free to pursue your passion, hobby, dreams, etc. It is essential for you to thrive in your work environment, which happens to be your home. Your children will be inspired; your husband will be impressed; you may be influencing people without knowing it or impacting others without planning. Just do what God calls you to do and be ok with it. Let’s feel empowered to normalize our choice to stay home.
Commending the unseen work
It matters if you are taking the time to be intentional in your relationships at home.
It matters if you are tuning into each of your children’s needs.
It matters that you are tired because all you did was serve your family.
It all matters if you are making homemade bread, cakes, and pasta or just not making any of it at all.
It matters if you are taking the time to understand your child’s learning needs and giving them an extra boost at home.
It matters if you are caring for your home, maintaining it, and keeping it clean. You are building equity for your family in doing so.
It matters that you care enough to prioritize your laundry over your family’s needs, and you put away all those washed clothes so everyone can have a full closet.
It matters if you gave up a career you loved to serve your family.
It matters that you are playing with your children and shuttling them to many sports and activities.
It matters whether you are managing your home finances or just being diligent in spending where it counts.
I SEE YOU.
God sees you
I want to write more on this topic, but for now, I will close with one last thing – If no one sees you or the work you put in, there is a God who does. Remember that this is also kingdom work, and there is a blessing in everything you do to serve your family. I hope you feel seen, understood, and encouraged by this post. Feel free to leave a comment, as I’d love to hear from you on your struggles and your personal journey.
