I find myself instinctively saying no to my kids every time they want to do something on their own time. Are you anything like me? If you are ever in my household, these are the conversations you will hear.
“Can I play with the sink toy?” – “No honey! You are going to make a mess.”
“Can I please paint?” – “Not right now! It is almost lunchtime.”
“Can we go to the park?” – “It’s not a good day for the park.”
It is effortless for me to find an excuse to say no. In doing this, I can control the outcomes of the day based on my energy level, mood, goals, fears, inhibitions, and the fact that I am the parent and can say no. If I were my kid, I would find this situation UNFAIR, and they are right.
Why can’t we give our kids the ability to make choices? Once we become parents, we inherently develop this tendency to want to be in control. It is our way to keep our kids safe, avoid unexpected circumstances, and minimize our level of insanity over our kid’s behaviors. After all, we cannot expect our kids to discern what is right and wrong, good or bad, safe or unsafe, acceptable or unacceptable. Are you still in agreement with me? If yes, then I am glad that I am not the only one making excuses for this behavior. Hear me out as to why I call them excuses versus reasons.
I have kids ranging from 2 to 7 years old, and I can tell you this – Your child wants to have control over their day. My 2-year-old is self-driven. He will decide when to follow the rules about where he can play and with what to play. My constant reminder to him to listen to me only leads to my dissatisfaction and anger. If I take away his toy, he may cry about it but will move on to the next thing he has determined he will do. Kids up to five years old can handle a certain amount of rules. Anything more than a few will overwhelm and disengage them. The same thing goes with my 7-year-old. She loves to be in charge of what to play with her siblings and finds it hard to give up control when the rest of them are not interested. She is willing to part ways with them if they do not follow her path. Unlike my two and four-year-olds, she is old enough to reason and come up with a logical explanation that makes sense to her even if not correct or reasonable to us.
Children would like to exert their independence and be in control. How can we honor their innate need for it and yet teach them to honor and respect authority? I am going to share a few strategies that might help with this.
Strategy 1: Plan the day ahead of time. It is helpful to do this, especially on the weekends.
- Discuss it with your child, take ideas from all sides. For example, if your child wants to play in the water sprinkler, you agree that this would happen on bath days.
- Make sure you are specific. For example, if you and your child agree that they can play playdough at some point in the day, make sure to clearly define that point in the day and honor the agreement.
- Make sure your child understands the plan. You can write it down and put it on the refrigerator or somewhere visible to them.
- Finally, honor your word and follow through on any commitments you have made to the plan.
Strategy 2: Discuss with your child before saying no. Let’s say it rained and your child would like to go out and jump in puddles. (Yes, it is a thing, as I’m sure most of you have encountered this with your kids.). Before you say no, think about what your child is asking you. It is not often that it rains, or they jump in puddles, so maybe compromise and say you can jump in the puddles on the deck or patio only for 10 min. Before saying no, see if you can find an alternative to what they are asking, and if none exists, give them an explanation for it. Do not just leave it at a NO. Do not use reasons such as – because I said so, or I am your mom, or because I know best. These reasons do not appeal to your child.
Strategy 3: Have consistent rules in your home and make sure your kids know them. Make sure to have a reason for your rules when setting them too. (The topic on rules probably deserves a separate blog). If your child is asking to watch TV and the rule is- no TV after 7, then you can route it back to your child to recall what has already been established.
While these strategies work, it comes with being intentional at that moment with your child and applying these. There is no perfect parent and no ideal way to parent. If we are aware of how we parent, and we continuously improve our ability to relate and communicate with our kids, then we are already practicing intentional parenting.
