As parents, we are very comfortable being who we are at home with our kids. We can show them the utmost love on one side, wrestle and play with them, create rules to keep them safe, discipline them, have serious discussions with them, completely lose it when they are out of control, and we do these while feeling safe to parent within our boundaries and in our home. This is the one side of parenting.
But something changes about how we parent when we are out in the world with others – the other side of parenting. We want to make sure our kids remain well-behaved and remind them of all the rules and behaviors we like to see in them before we step out of the house because, let’s face it, the likelihood that they will remember is slim, but our desperate attempt to avoid parenting struggles is real. We do this because we want to prevent that stranger, who knows me not, from glancing my way and making false assumptions about my parenting.
How often have we given a second look at a mom dealing with a tantrum in public or had thoughts about how a parent was handling a kid who won’t listen, or maybe, you are that person who likes to share your opinion openly with a parent because you don’t quite think what they are doing aligns with your parenting philosophy. Let’s not forget family and friends who have opinions about your parenting too. This blog is not about the insensitivities we experience from others but how we handle ourselves in these situations.
I know many who have had such experiences. We may have experienced none of this being on the other side, but we know that people are always watching us parent, and we feel conscious about it – enough to change our behaviors when we handle our children in public.
But let’s think about this situation for a moment. If we are not consistent with our children no matter where we are, how do they know what is expected of them? We need to be consistent about how we tackle consequences with our children, how we discipline, how we teach values that they need to uphold, how they show love, respect, kindness. If your child in the playground is not playing nice despite your repeated warnings, don’t be afraid to make him sit it out as a time-out. He may cry or make a fuss, but you did the right thing, and you should not worry about the mom looking at you and wondering why you are allowing him to wail. Be bold and confident in your parenting decisions, and no matter where you are, you need to stick with them and uphold them.
But there is a catch to being consistent inside and outside your home. First, you need to know that your parenting works. Do your discipline methods work at home, do you know how to help your child resolve their tantrum (I will write about this in another blog), is your child receptive to you at home? If the answer is no, then the likelihood of you being successful outside is low. The only way to get over this is to know your strengths in parenting. You can certainly get to that place where you are in control and can manage your children’s outbursts, but to get there, you need to take the time to know what you are grappling with in your parenting.
- Make a list of the areas you are struggling as a parent and pray over it. We know that wisdom comes from God, and in asking, he will give it. I love this verse from James 5:1 – “But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him.”
- Ask for advice from friends and family, and don’t feel bad to admit you are struggling. Sometimes being vulnerable to our struggles is a stepping stone to becoming better parents. You know that you look up to one person because of their parenting ways or just because they have learned through more experience. Seek help because if you don’t, your child is missing an opportunity to understand their behavior.
- Read parenting books and be choosy about which ones because there are plenty out there, and you need to find what aligns with your values.
Let’s come back to the topic of parenting when outside the home because I want to point out that while sometimes we are afraid to be ourselves for fear of judgment, other times we reserve our instinct to reprimand and take time to be gentler in our approach to parenting when we are around others. Be intentional about these moments. If your actions bring out the best in your child, maybe it’s time to re-evaluate how you discipline at home. This situation is a good thing. When the world around you holds you accountable to greater standards, then you have room to grow into a better parent. After all, parenting is a journey, and no one gets it right the first time around.
My message here is – to be consistent with your child and allow the two sides of your parenting to become one.
