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Do you live up to the same standards you set for your kids, and are you quick to forgive their transgressions? I set a high bar for my kids, as most parents do. Our intentions are noble – we want to raise good kids. If I had to label a FEW areas that I set a high bar, it would be
- Treating others with respect
- Not using unwholesome language
- Regulating our emotions
- Caring for others
- Having self-discipline
If we are being honest, these are also the areas that we need to be setting a high bar for ourselves so that we can model the proper behavior for our children. I will be the first to admit that I am not always consistent in these areas, especially when I am upset with my kids.
When my kids get angry, they stomp and shout and are out of control. When I watch it, I get mad at their behavior, and I wonder why they can’t just control their emotional outbursts. But I am no exception to it. And I think it is time for me to take charge of my outward reaction so that I can raise emotionally self-controlled kids.
Let’s talk a little bit about what triggers most parents. The root cause of our anger comes from disobedience. I tend to care less about my kid’s transgression and more about the fact that they are in that situation because they disobeyed. I know many parents who are triggered similarly. We find it hard to believe that these little ones willingly overlook our instructions. In our little bubble, we start to feel a lack of respect and care. This idealistic view of what good behavior looks like and how kids should behave causes us to be heavily triggered when we do not see it play out.
But the next time you are triggered with anger, take a moment to calm down so that you do not go to bed, wondering how you could have handled that situation differently.
If you have ever asked your child to follow relaxation techniques in their time of anger, I’m here to give you the little science lesson behind why and also give you a reason to do it. The part of the brain that is triggered by anger is the Amygdala. The Amygdala is responsible for your emotional response in addition to other things. It is so quick to respond that it does not give your brain the time to process and reason. Taking time to breathe and allowing our bodies to calm down will allow the part of the brain that offers judgment and reasoning to take action.
While I find anger to be a weakness, my greatest strength is self-awareness and self-reflection. I am always aware of my emotional outburst, and there are many times when I find myself going down that path of no good; I then ask my kids to give me some space to calm down. I then apologize to my kids for my behavior.
While it is a good practice to do this, I am not consistent with it. During those rough parenting days, I am reminded that we parents are not perfect, yet we are covered by God’s grace and forgiveness in our imperfections. If that is true, we need to bestow the same upon our children. If we are being intentional in our parenting, let’s first live up to the same standards, let’s apologize for the mistakes we make so that our kids see and learn, let’s offer grace and forgiveness more often than not, and through all this, let’s not be too hard on ourselves.
(For those new to intentional parenting, here’s what it is. Intentional parenting is taking time to think about our parenting methods, ideologies, and practices. Whatever we do, we do with the intention to raise good kids in all the areas of their lives.)
