(Photo by Joshua Miranda on Pexels.com)
I have found myself making new rules and consequences in desperation when I cannot catch my kid\’s attention. Have you ever heard yourself saying crazy things when your kids are out of control?
“Trick or Treat is canceled.”
“I will be writing to Santa for no gifts this year.”
“If you don’t tidy up, there will be no TV for a whole month.”
“Three strikes, and you will lose all your privileges.”
How many of these have you come up with this week?
We are so desperate to get our kids to listen that we keep changing the rules on them. I would love for my kids to stop jumping on the good couch or throwing decorative pillows on the floor. And every time they roam the hallways with their snacks (although we have a universal rule that eating is at the table), I wonder if I should ban snacks for a week.
How great would it be if our children heard us the first time and acknowledged our instructions without complaining? What a perfect world it would be.
Unfortunately, they are not wired for so many rules and instructions. We create unrealistic expectations of them and feel discouraged in our efforts to raise obedient children.
So how do we get around this issue? Let\’s start by rethinking some of our existing rules. For example, my kids can get pretty noisy at the dining table, so I made a rule that there would be no talking until they finished eating. (Sounds ridiculous, right? After all, how can I expect a 2,4, and 7 year old to not talk for 30 minutes). But it does not stop there. That rule goes along with no talking with food in your mouth, no leaving the table until we finish our food, and no ill-manners while eating, such as no feet up on table or chair.
All these expectations exist with the hope that they will learn good manners and get through their meal faster. I have found that without explicit instructions, the expectations are unclear. However, with too many expectations, there is lesser adherence. Kids cannot remember every one of them at the time it matters.
Despite all my rules and good intentions, I will admit that it might be in their best interest to take it down a notch. For example, it is absolutely ridiculous to expect kids to not talk at the table. If I ask my kids to do one or two reasonable things, I would be less likely to throw in more unfamiliar consequences at them. I could ask them to not be loud and to talk between bites if necessary.
Kids need fewer rules but with more consistency. They need to know the outcome of their behavior, and we need to follow through consistently. If the outcomes are not effective, you need to change it, but avoid doing it on the fly. Discuss the expectation and explain the new outcome if they don’t listen. Let’s revisit and reevaluate what makes sense. Let’s not change the rules and consequences out of desperation.
The next time you find yourself coming up with a new rule or new consequence, remember this – it will not stick unless it is done with purpose, intentionality, thought, and consistency.
