One Saturday morning, my kids could not decide what to have for breakfast. I took a poll and picked the most popular choice. I assumed I did the fair thing, but it left at least one kid unhappy. They started with complaints that turned into whines. The whining continued long enough, leading me to pause and tell my kid: “Stop being a whiner.”
That was my first mistake. Have you ever put a label on your kid based on their behavior? I have made this and many more mistakes in my parenting attempts. Sometimes we need to reflect on how we approach life with our kids; when we do, we will learn much from it. That is what we call intentional parenting. We need to change our mindset and approach when we raise children so that we can have better outcomes.
Let’s talk about the most common mistakes we make in our parenting and how we can overcome them.
Mistake #1: Putting labels on our kids
How quickly do you put labels on your child? I know I am guilty of it. I have used the words lazy, whiner, and liar on my kids in response to their behaviors. In that moment of frustration, sometimes, we do not discern the consequences of our actions. But our kids remember. Some kids take offense, and others pick up the name-calling behavior and label others based on their actions.
Instead: We need to speak positive words into our kids’ lives that may be ingrained in their minds so they may live by them and grow into them.
Mistake #2: using Sarcasm
Have you used sarcasm with your kids? When you say something you don’t mean with a smidge of irritancy and a display of annoyance – that is sarcasm. Sarcasm is a way of undermining, disrespecting, and mocking someone. I know that sounds harsh, but I urge you to consider it. We know the tone of sarcasm and the attitude behind it when it is targeted toward us. How does sarcasm come through to you?
While the intent of sarcasm is one reason not to use it, the second reason is that most young kids don’t get it. They don’t follow what you mean, and you have gained nothing in your parenting response.
Instead: We can talk to them about the proper corrective behavior or reason in a more appropriate way.
Mistake #3: Yelling when we feel frustrated
It is a struggle we all have as parents. We talk to our kids, and they don’t listen; we provide clear instructions, and they don’t follow. How else do you get their attention than to raise your voice loud and clear and give them a yelling? I understand the frustration and the reason to yell. But the mistake I am referring to is – yelling at our kids because WE ARE FRUSTRATED, not because of their fault.
Let’s create a scenario. Your child is playing, and his toys are all over the playroom. You see the mess and yell, likely because you are exhausted from cleaning the rest of the house. Your child is upset and starts to cry or refuses to tidy up, and before you know it, the matter escalates from one thing to the next. In this scenario, your child is not at fault because he is in the middle of a play, and you immersed your opinion in your tired frame of mind at the wrong time.
Sometimes, we must check our attitude and intent before responding to a situation. We must examine ourselves to be in the right frame of mind. I know I have reacted out of irritation because of how I feel. How often have you yelled when your child accidentally made a spill, took something of yours, or jumped on you for fun (have you had those elbow landings? Ouch!!)?
Instead: If possible, try a grown-up timeout before you harshly respond to your child. And if the moment has passed, the good news is that you can redeem yourself with an apology and a clear explanation.
Mistake #4: Comparing with siblings/friends
We compare our kids with their siblings, friends, and relatives. We highlight the good stuff in someone else that is missing in your child. We compare their successes and failures, their responses, behaviors, etc. Do you ask your child how their friends did on a test? Have you told your child at some point -“why can’t you be like so and so?”
When you compare your child:
- You are indirectly telling them that someone is better than them
- You are setting their standards by what others do
- You create self-doubt for your child
Instead: What if we focused our attention on their individuality and uniqueness? There are many ways to challenge your child – encourage them to make good choices, define expectations for them based on their age, explain the consequences of their actions, and have an open dialogue with them.
Mistake #5: Expecting first-time obedience
I plan to write a separate blog on this topic because it is such a triggering moment for parents. We cannot handle that our children will not obey the first time we give them instructions.
But let’s look at human behavior, irrespective of age. How often do you feel the urge to respond as soon as instruction is given to you? We experience this with our spouses too. We call everyone for dinner after taking the time to prepare a meal. The last person that shows up after calling several times (in our household) is my husband. We are not wired to respond immediately. It is just human nature.
Instead: We can discuss expectations ahead of time so that the response to instruction is quicker. You can tell your child when you pick him up after school that homework is at 6 pm. You can remind your kids 30 minutes before food to start winding down their activity as food will be ready. When your child takes out books to read, you can discuss how he can take five books at a time before taking the next set.
Final Thoughts
I am not a perfect parent, but I believe in intentional parenting and work hard to be one. I think about my actions, change my approach, and apologize for my mistakes. As you read this blog, I hope you will not feel targeted but encouraged to think about your behavior and responses around your children to be more intentional and have better outcomes in your difficult moments with them.
