This topic has been on my heart for a while and while I’ve rewritten this blog several times, I think I finally have the point of view I have been trying to capture in words. So, can we talk about parenting for the future? We try so hard to teach our children lessons today, that we hope they will remember tomorrow.
My 3 kids are so different, as I should expect them to be. No matter how I raise my children, there are innate qualities that they possess that I can’t change about them. As a stay-at-home mom, I spend all day with the kids and notice how they interact with each other uniquely. For example, my 3-year-old, Ethan, is a gentle and caring soul. He has always been that way. When it comes to altercations with his siblings, he is usually left feeling upset and vulnerable. I have been working with him on how to respond to these altercations so that he can stand up for himself when I am not around.
For example, I ask him to speak firmly when his toy is snatched away from him or to firmly and loudly say ‘ No’ when something is not ok. If his little brother (20 months old) gets into a physical fight with him, I’ve told him to defend himself by either grabbing the toy away that is used to hit him or shielding a hit with his hand. One time when he came crying to me I asked him why he didn’t fight back and his answer is what melted my heart. He said that he did not want to hurt his brother. We can’t change those innate qualities that our kids have. Some kids are ok being rough with others and some kids are not. I know this because I have two boys who are absolutely different.
After Ethan told me how he felt, I realized that I was spending so much time helping him be tough, that I had forgotten to take a little more time teaching my little one to be more gentle. Presently, if my kids get into a fight, I talk to both of them and ask them to apologize and make up and it is usually instantaneous and with lots of love, hugs, and kisses. If the action was grave, they would get timeouts, and then apologize and make up, with lots of hugs, kisses, and hugs again. Either way, there is peace restored. Nothing wrong with this approach. But if I’m missing the opportunity to teach the rough one to be more aware and caring, then I’ve also missed the opportunity to teach him how to behave outside the house.
My 6-year-old will typically take the youngest side when the two boys fight, mostly because he is smaller. One day, I explained to her how Ethan sometimes needs help to be firm when defending himself and asked her to be a big sister and help him. This is intentional parenting folks, and let me tell you, it is not easy. Sometimes, you need to map out in your mind, how you can help your kids better be prepared for a world outside where there is no mom or dad to come to their side right away.
And while you are doing that, let your kids know that they are loved no matter who they are and that being themselves is important no matter what the situation is. We need to embrace their personalities, shy or chatty, rough or gentle, strong-willed or compliant. By teaching the kind-hearted to be brave and the rough ones to be gentle, we are not changing who they are. We are preparing them with skills they need to be ok for that playground moment, or to be ok when another kid says something mean, AND to be ok when in their youth.
