Do you struggle with first-time disobedience? Does it make you mad until you can’t think straight? Is this your #1 struggle with your children?
Let’s face it! We struggle with the fact that our kids outrightly agree to disagree with us. The moment they walk away from our instructions, we feel many things. Let’s talk through a scenario and reflect on the reason for your unaccepting state of mind.
One day, your child returns from school and throws his jacket and bag on the floor. You ask him to pick it up and put it in the closet immediately, but he walks away, saying he’ll get to it after snack. You now feel pretty mad at his lack of respect for your rules. You tell him it is not ok and that he needs to put it away now. We know where this is going from here, and let me tell you – no one has won at the end of this battle.
Have you experienced something similar in your home? I know exactly how you feel, but if you break it down to the deepest level, you will find that the issue is sometimes not the behavior but our internal emotions. Let’s break it down and stick with me on this. You may not like what you hear, and I am not here to tell you that this is true in all situations. You may have an issue with your child who is disrespectful and defiant. Your child may have some bad influences in their life. But read on before deciding whether this is relevant to you.
Our pride is hurt
Let’s revisit the scenario above. Your child has decided not to obey at the time you need him to. You struggle to accept defeat at this point as your pride gets in the way. The dictionary defines pride as ” a dignified sense of what is due to oneself or one’s position.” As a parent, we feel entitled to first-time obedience just because we are responsible for our kids.
While rules exist for a reason, sometimes we must know when to hold on to them for dear life and when to relax them.
Think about it:
Before getting upset over first-time disobedience, is the feeling of being let down at this moment more important than the circumstance? In this case, your child might be famished, maybe low energy, and all he has been thinking about is getting home and having a snack. Can I relax the rules in this instance?
notion of Failed Parenting
We assume that when our children disobey, we fail in our parenting attempts. If we cannot connect and solicit attention, we have failed to build a relationship that sparks obedience.
Sigh… Sadly this is a widespread feeling that parents have. If you are an involved and intentional parent, give guidance and wisdom, spend quality time with your children, and nurture them with love and generosity; then you have NOT FAILED your child in any way.
Think about it:
We are raising little human beings who have minds of their own. Your child is exercising their God-given instinct to respond with their thoughts and opinions. We do not have to indulge in all of it, but we can appreciate some of it and accept that in doing so, we are raising independent thinkers.
Focused on our emotions versus theirs
Sometimes children behave a certain way because of their state of mind; they may feel triggered by situations, exhausted, or have other basic needs they must meet. Other times, they may feel justified because of their circumstance.
Let’s say you asked your child to put away their plates after lunch. All the other kids are done with their meal and have started playing a game they planned out. Your child is the last one at the table, and all he can think of is getting to that game before he misses out. This situation is justified by your child but not by you. You expect him to fulfill his duty of putting away the dish over his desire not to miss out.
We must empathize with our child’s thoughts and emotions before we exercise firm ground from reacting to our feelings.
Think about it:
We can relax our rules to remove the stress we experience from disobedience. If we can focus on what our child is experiencing versus our need to follow the rule book, we can better serve our child’s emotional state.
Exceptions and final thoughts
There are circumstances where first-time disobedience is essential. Anytime it relates to the safety of your child or others, we must expect and enforce first-time disobedience. As a parent, you know the moments where first-time disobedience is non-negotiable so do what is right.
Rules exist to keep our kids safe, teach discipline, instill a sense of responsibility, and improve communication. But we also need to be willing to relax our rules based on circumstances. We need to focus on our child’s state of mind and emotions. We need to shift focus from ourselves to our kids to serve our needs better emotionally.
We all are working hard to raise good kids, so let’s not put too much pressure on ourselves. Pat your back for your wins, and take it one day at a time. Each day will come with different experiences, and we need to tackle them as they are.
How do these resonate with you?
